“I spent my 30s feeling self-deprecation and sincere reflection. As much as I received so much love and glory in my 20s, I will gladly accept the criticism and beatings that are being poured on me now.”

Choi Seung-hyun (TOP), the ‘problematic actor’ who left the group Big Bang and went on a six-year hiatus, has opened up for the first time about the various controversies and his feelings. Having faced public opposition to his return from the casting stage, he finally met with reporters for an interview after the release of Season 2 of ‘Squid Game’ on Netflix. This is his first personal interview in 11 years since the release of his leading role in the 2014 film ‘Tazza: The Hidden Card’.

He appeared at the interview venue on the 15th wearing a neat black suit, and his hands and lips trembled throughout the interview. “(Before doing the interview), I had many concerns, but I came here with a careful and heavy heart. I wanted to tell my honest story in person at the right time, and I‘m sorry it’s so late,“ he said, carefully opening his mouth.

O“Drug addict character, facing a shameful past”

After the casting news was announced, Choi Seung-hyun watched the criticism pouring in for ‘Squid Game’ and director Hwang Dong-hyeok, and he said with difficulty, “I thought about whether I should get off the show because I felt sorry. Nevertheless, he said that he made up his mind to “repay director Hwang Dong-hyuk’s trust” for willingly reaching out to him when “no one had looked at me for over 10 years.”

Regarding the private “casting mastermind theory” that actors he was close with, such as Lee Byung-hun and Lee Jung-jae, intervened in the casting of Choi Seung-hyun, he said that it was completely false and explained that he appeared after going through two video auditions, a meeting with director Hwang, and a script reading.

He played the role of Thanos, a rapper who lost all his fortune in coin investments and participated in a game of death, and he recalled that he was afraid of the character setting of a “drug addict.”

“Since the character has a shameful past (drug use) embedded in it, I was worried that the (drug) image might be preserved. When filming the scene where I take drugs, it was actually difficult because it felt like I was directly facing my past with hundreds of staff members and actors watching. However, I think Thanos was a character that came to me like fate.”

O“Big Bang members are like a stray family”

In 2022, he announced his retirement while having a war of words with a netizen on social media, but he also revealed the reason why he went back on his word and returned to the entertainment industry.

“Although my downfall was due to my own mistake, I was devastated at the time because it was something I had never experienced before. I had no hope of getting back up again and I wanted to quit everything. I wasn‘t in my right mind. So I think I foolishly and recklessly announced it on social media, my only remaining means of communication. I regret my actions so much.”

He also shared his complicated feelings about G-Dragon, Taeyang, and Daesung, who recently appeared on stage as the “triad” Big Bang. He carefully stated that he has not been in contact with the members of Big Bang at all, and referred to them as his “broken family,” saying, “The pain and suffering I feel when I see pictures of my broken family is indescribable.”

“My heart still aches when I see fans who want a (Big Bang) reunion, but I have already caused too much damage to the members. I thought I should endure all the criticism and reprimands alone, so I left the team. I still have a hard time contacting the members because I feel ashamed. My feelings (about leaving Big Bang) have not changed.”

He said that he has left Big Bang, but he has not let go of music. He looked back and said that what comforted him during the time he was living a ‘secluded life’ while suspending his activities was ‘music’.

“I cut off all social life and only went back and forth between my home and my music studio. I turned the dark feelings and psychological pain inside me into music. I think that it is my responsibility to the fans who are waiting for me to let them hear those songs when they are good.”



Reporter Seungmi Lee smlee@donga.com